Being Liked vs. Being Respected

By: John Klessinger

Originally Published in: A Coach's Manual

BEING LIKED V. BEING RESPECTED

"I firmly believe that respect is a lot more important and a lot
greater than popularity." - Julius "Dr. J." Erving, NBA Hall of Fame

It is human nature to want to be liked. It is easy to get caught up in wanting to be loved by your players. It is no different as a teacher, boss, or someone in a leadership position. We all want to be liked and respected. Often, we confuse the two and believe they are the same. In a leadership position, being respected is paramount. If you are respected, your people will be more productive, accountable, and willing to go the extra mile. Paradoxically, your people will like you more if you give them what they need to be successful compared to what they want. Pushing them, challenging them, and holding them accountable is what they need to be successful. When you do that, you show them that you care about them and have their best interests in mind.

How do you earn respect with your team?

1. Set the example in your enthusiasm, commitment,
   and dedication.
2. Mean what you say, and say what you mean. It is cliché, but 100% true. If you say you are going to do it, do it. Your team will quickly see if you are a person of your word or giving them "lip service."
3. Hold people accountable for your mission,
   standards, and expectations.
4. Show your human side - admit fault, mistakes, and have moments where you are vulnerable. Apologize, say sorry, and show appreciation.
5. Treat everyone the same within your expectations for your team. By this, your standards are your standards. If your standards are to be on time, work hard, have a positive attitude, then hold everyone accountable. Coaching individuals differently does not deviate from your program's core values and standards.
6. Be consistent in your messaging and what you say.
7. Develop trust and rapport.
8. Listen to your athletes and open lines of
   communication. I have improved myself on this, and it has made a big difference in the rapport I have had with my team.

Being Liked v. Being Respected in Action

I know that some of my athletes do not like me. For that matter, I know some parents do not like me. I am ok with it. I do not demand respect from my players and parents. I know I will earn it by being consistent in my leadership. At the end of the day, you will not make everyone happy. You will be criticized and judged for doing what you think is right. People will talk negatively about you. They will make disparaging comments about you on social media. Unfortunately, it is the way our world is right now.

On the flip side, if you stick to your "guns," most of your players and parents will respect you for what you did with their child. You will get more praise than criticism. You will get more "thank you's" than "F- you's." My advice to any coach is to stay the course while showing humility, kindness, and love. Nothing is more significant than building trust with your players and parents than showing them you care about them. You show you care about them by holding them accountable for what you say and do. By doing this, you will earn respect.

What can you do today?

1. Determine your core values. How will you teach them to your team?
2. What are some ways you can develop trust and rapport with your players?
3. Study and observe a coach or person in a well-respected leadership position. What are they doing
   that has gained respect from their people?
   How can you incorporate these traits into your coaching?