Learn to Lose Well and Be a Better Coach

By: Samantha Ekstrand, NFCA Legal Counsel

How well do you lose?

That might seem like an odd question to ask a coach. You are all so competitive. None of you like to lose.

But losses are almost as inevitable as rain delays. Some losses can be heartbreaking, some can be maddening. None feel good. Yet, how you handle a loss as a coach is another marker of your job performance. Losses can actually be some of the most important moments in your career.

Almost all college softball games are video-recorded. Even more exciting, many are broadcast on TV or online. While this coverage is fantastic for the growth of the sport, it is a reminder to coaches to be aware of their facial expressions, their words and their actions. "Smile! You are on candid-camera!" - all while you are competing and feeling all of the emotions of the game.

Have you ever watched yourself? If you haven't, imagine what you might see. And even if you are not being broadcast on ESPN, your players, your administrators, your colleagues, and the fans, which include players' parents, are all likely watching. What are they seeing? What are they hearing?

Remember the values you discussed with your team at the beginning of this journey? Leadership, character, sportsmanship, and the honor of representing their school. Now is the time that those values are lived out, and that definitely includes you as a coach. And these values are especially tested in the most difficult moments in the heat of competition.

When your team begins to struggle, when a player makes a big mistake, when your team loses - how do you handle these moments? Do you personify those program-defining values in those moments of adversity? And not just out in the public, but in the corner of the dugout, in the locker room and on the bus. How do you act? Are you modeling the kind of behavior you expect from your players? Are you ranting or are you coaching?

And to take it one step further, are you using those losses, those difficult moments, in a way that will make your team stronger and better? Are you doing your job? Are you coaching? Or are you lashing out?

Are you letting your emotions get the best of you? Are you saying whatever you feel like saying because you are so frustrated that people "continue to make the same mistakes..." This is when your job performance really matters.

Many think that exceptional job performance is only about winning - your record. Sure, winning helps. And many think that good coaches are the ones who win. But that is not the end of the story. Good coaching can happen all the time, including when a team is struggling and after those disappointing losses.

Every moment in a season can be a teaching moment, if you see it that way. This includes losses, even the really, really tough ones. A loss can make your team better, if you, as the coach, figure out how to use it as a motivation, a lesson, a turning point, a gut-check, a whatever you choose to lay down the loss as a brick in the path of your team's journey.

No one wants a loss to become a stumbling block, the start of a downward slide, the culmination of all things negative. How do you avoid that? It begins by how you handle it and then how your player leadership handles it and so on. How those moments are handled both individually and collectively are part of defining your program's culture.

Words matter. Facial expressions and body language matter. I imagine you have said the same to your players. And now I am saying it to you. And I am not talking about painting sunshine and lollipops over a dismal team performance. I am urging you not to pile on, not to compound a bad situation.

Instead, be a great coach. Find a way to transform that loss from a negative to some good use for your team and for you, as a coach. Do your job. Don't just be a "good sport." Rather, find a way to lose well, so that the loss becomes a gain.