Important Keys to Coaching the Female Athlete – Cindy Bristow – Softball Excellence

By: Cindy Bristow - Softball Excellence

Have you ever disciplined one of your softball player's only to have 3 other players mad at you for a week? Or had one of your best athletes not really trying her hardest no matter what you did to convince her otherwise? If so then you really need to know these Keys for Understanding and Coaching the Female Athlete.

Since high school and college softball players are female and many coaches are male, it's important to understand what makes women tick, and that we don't work the same way men do.

Female athletes are a lot of things, and can be some of the most ruthless competitors and best team-players you'll ever be around. But there are also some things we're not. We're not less competitive then males. We aren't less skilled or less motivated, less intelligent or less driven. We do operate a little differently than men do, but once you can crack the code then get ready for one of the greatest coaching experiences of your life!

Coaching the female athlete doesn't require a degree in psychology and to us, women really aren't so mysterious. We know how we are so when all the little dramas and issues start happening within our team, we know just what's going on. But then, so many of our teams are coached by men and that's where everything can get a little complicated.

If you want to get the best out of us, there are some things you need to know:

1. Voice and Body Language Matter - That's why you might not be yelling at me but I think you're mad at me because you've raised your voice. I can't really separate your tone from your message, so if you're trying to reach me as a coach you need to do the separating. I know it might be harder but the result is worth it. Also, all those times you stand in the 3rd base coaching box with your hands on your hips and your head down thinking, I think you're mad at me and you don't believe in me as a hitter. Since that's what those behaviors mean to me. I don't know you're thinking, I assume you're mad or disgusted at me. So, try thinking with your head up and your hands clapping or else at your side.
2. We're Social Creatures - Most girls tend to join teams when they're young for the social interaction. That part is important and it's one reason we talk more during warm-ups than the guys do. It doesn't mean we don't care about playing softball, it just means we care about each other and what's going on. Give us some time to be social and do things like cheer and support our teammates. It's what makes female team sports so fantastic - we LOVE our team, but remember that sometimes I need to focus on my own contribution to the team just as much as I focus on the team. So help me do this by improving my own skills and let me support my teammates with my conversations and my cheers.
3. We Don't Like to Separate Ourselves - Maybe it's how girls are raised in general, but we don't like to do things to separate ourselves from our group. It's not that we don't want to; it's more that the group doesn't want us to. It's why you're best player is probably not playing her best. If she does then she will separate herself from her friends who will then make her life tough. I know it's crazy, but it's more common than you think. If you know a young girl with lots of talent that's afraid to play as hard as she can for fear of separating herself from her team, then she's at the point where she needs to start looking for another team with more talented players. She can keep her old group of friends but simply find a new group of like-minded teammates.
4. We're Self-Critical - We tend to be harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be. That's why you need to help us be good to ourselves, to point out the good that we're doing. We're masters at noticing the bad, even if it really isn't bad, we'll make it that way. Encourage your players to first find the GOOD that they did before they start criticizing themselves. It's the only way to help some of your more critical players start building their confidence and feeling good about themselves. You lead the way by being a "Good Finder" and not always pointing out the obvious mistakes but instead, start with the good and then find a solution!
5. We're Awesome Teammates - girls and women are great team sport participants. We are all about supporting the group and our team so help us know it's OK for us to also improve our own individual skills. The stronger the individual players the stronger the team. Help us improve our personal softball skills so we can improve our team. Be sure to tell me exactly how I fit into this team and how you will use me as the coach, and what I can do to change my role or playing time if I don't like it. Take time to build our "team" and you will unleash our amazing strength as female athletes.
6. We Are Pleasures - and want to do whatever we can to please the person either in charge or that we like (or both). So your players will do whatever they can to do whatever they think pleases you. Keep in mind that your actions are what really portray this message to your players and not your words. So if you're trying to get their behavior to change try complimenting them whenever they show the correct behavior. For instance, you might love kids that hustle but never complement those that do. Instead of getting on the ones that don't hustle, try complimenting the ones that are - you'll be amazed at the difference you'll start to see in the ones that aren't hustling.
7. We're never good enough - never skinny enough, never pretty enough, never loved enough, never talented enough…never enough of whatever. So when we get criticized it only makes us believe we aren't good enough even faster than we would have realized it on our own. Men and Boys aren't like this so much. They think they're ok and in a lot of cases (particularly with boys) might even think they're better than they are. So while the criticism given out might not bother you as a male coach it has the completely opposite effect on girls and women. In most cases it makes us KNOW we're horrible. Period - effort over!
8. You Yelled at My Friend so I'm Mad at You - This one is REALLY puzzling to guys and yet a very common-place behavior among female teams. Let's say you yell at, or some-how discipline one of my friends. She might be pretty secure and able to just brush it off, but not me. I'm sensitive and I don't think you treated her right so while the player you actually disciplined is over it, I'm mad at you for a good week. Sound familiar? Women seem to be far more "team" oriented and that "team" concept starts with our most immediate "team" which is our friends and family. So, whenever you hurt one of our inner-circle "team" members, you've in effect hurt us and we act accordingly, which in most cases means we simply hold it against you for a long time.

That list provides a pretty good base for the main areas where coaches can trip up coaching females. But there are a few topics that are vital to coaching a competitive softball team where a little extra knowledge about the differences between Men and Women will come in very handy.

The Praise Game – While it seems like everybody would like to be recognized for doing something good, HOW you do it makes all the difference.

Men - love to be praised in public! The guy you point out loves it because he feels like a million bucks, and the team loves it because they have a hero on their hands and rally behind him.

Women - it's a little different with women. Women don't like to be singled out from their teammates so when you praise one of your players in front of her teammates every player on the team now hates that player for being better than them, and, they also feel the same way about you now! What started out as a nice gesture on your part to acknowledge a great game from one of your players in front of her teammates has now turned south in a second and you've got trouble on your hands. It's not that women don't need praise - heck we live for it! We just want it given to us in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves without the rest of the group turning against us.

So, how do you do that? You simply pull that player aside after the game and quietly, so the rest of the team can't hear, tell her how great she was and how proud you are of her! Women love to feel special but just tell them so one-on-one.

Pep Talks – Either you're all fired up about an upcoming game or else you're hot about how poorly your team just played. Either way, you better know what you're doing so it doesn't backfire on you.

Men - aren't too sensitive so it takes them awhile to figure out somebody's upset. If the coach is really mad then tone of voice isn't enough with guys. There will need to be some yelling & screaming thrown in along with a trash can or two kicked, all in an effort to really drive home the fact that the coach is upset. Guys won't take any of if personal but will simply say, "Wow, coach is mad, we better play better".

Women - on the other hand…try kicking a trash can in front of women and they'll think your nuts! Tone of voice is everything with women so as soon as you even look mad your whole team already knows you're mad - you don't have to start yelling. Women blame themselves for things so if you're really mad take a second to calm your voice down and calmly ask them, "so, what do you think about how we played?" They'll all start tearing themselves apart - you don't have to. What you will have to do is give them a specific strategy to focus on to help turn things around and try to reconstruct & support them. They need to know you support them and are giving them a strategy to change things. If you blame them for how things are then they'll give up on themselves and it's all over!

Using Video – In the age of technology it's pretty easy to use video at your practice or games, just be careful when you do.

Men - Guys tend to have great confidence in themselves and therefore don't think they make mistakes in games - so they need video tape to prove it. Most guys think it's their teammates that messed up until they actually see that it's them on tape, and even then they'll probably have an excuse. So when dealing with men, video tape acts as proof of a mistake in order to provide incentive for practice and improvement.

Women - Women on the other hand are completely different. Whenever you criticize a female team every player on the team thinks you're talking about her. Most women really struggle with low confidence no matter how great of a player they are so replaying their mistakes on tape only makes the problem worse! Instead of using video to show your players all the things you've noticed that they're doing wrong, try using video to show your players things they did well, examples of how good they are - things that will help build up their confidence!

Competition – Both men and women are competitive, it's just what they are competing for is totally different! Self vs team is a big issue here.

Men - see interactions with others like a totem pole - they're taught to compete against each other and to work their way up the totem pole. Men feel their status is basically derived from how well they perform, not how well they connect with others. Men compete more for themselves and their personal place within the pack.

Women - relate to others like a net - they focus on creating strong connections instead of trying to beat the others, so woman feel their status results from acceptance (how people like them) and not so much from how well they perform. They don't want anyone to break the net. As a result, the team sport setting is a great social opportunity to many young girls instead of the cut-throat competitive setting many coaches want it to be. And it's also why you will often hear a female player that was just criticized or reprimanded say something like, "why don't you like me anymore?” A man thinks, "what? of course I still like you, what makes you think I don't?", and the woman thinks that because she let you down or disappointed you that you don't accept her anymore. Women compete more for the group and for their teammates.